What’s a bid?
Researcher John Gottman, Ph.D., refers to bids as “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” Bids can be small or big, verbal or nonverbal. They’re requests to connect. They might take the form of an expression, question or physical outreach. They can be funny, serious, or sexual in nature.
For example, your partner might ask, "What happened with your manager at work?" or, "Do you want to discuss our weekend plans?"” Or simply, “Can you pass the San Pellegrino? They could also give you a loving squeeze, pat you on the head with affection, or tease you by winking.
Bids are often subtle. People fear vulnerability and hesitate to expose themselves. It’s scary to say, “Hey! I want to connect! Pay attention to me!” so instead, we ask a question or tell a story or offer our hand for connection. We hope we’ll receive connection in return, but if not, it’s less scary than pleading, “Connect with me, please!”
How should I respond to a bid from my partner?
There are three ways you can respond to a bid from your partner:
Turning towards (also known as acknowledging the bid)
Turning away (also known as ignoring or missing the bid)
Turning against (or rejecting the bid in an argumentative way)
When your partner reads their email and lets out a sigh, they’re making a bid. You could turn toward them and ask, “What’s wrong?”
Now imagine you’re tidying up the kitchen and your partner asks you how your day was. You could pause, look up, and share details of a tough phone call you had today. That’s turning towards. You’re telling your partner you see and value them.
In that situation, turning away from your partner would be ignoring them. A grunt and resuming your task would have the same effect. Turning against them means attacking them. For example, reply, "Why do you always interrupt me when I'm trying to get things done?"”
Why do bids matter?
A satisfying sex life, passion and an emotional bond depend on a habit of turning towards your partner.
Gottman discovered a major difference between what he referred to as 'masters' and 'disasters.' 'Masters' are couples who connect well and often. 'Disasters' are couples who connect less meaningfully and not as frequently. They respond very differently to connection requests.
In this research 'Love Lab' at the University of Washington, masters turned towards each other 86% of the time. Disasters turned towards each other only 33% of the time. None of us are perfect at accepting all our partner’s bids, but the masters are better at it than the disasters.
Some believe they can freeze their relationship. Then, a date night will thaw it. But daily attention, not grand gestures, builds and maintains relationships.
How often should I make bids?
Bid often. Master the art of the tiny moment. Reach out to show you care. Send a good luck message before a meeting. Leave an encouraging note on the fridge. Kiss your partner when they walk in the door—Gottman recommends a kiss that lasts at least six seconds.
Bids can be super short and simple, but they hold great power. The key is to make many bids per day to show your partner you want to connect. In fact, happy couples bid all the time. Gottman found that, at the dinner table, masters bid 100 times in ten minutes. Disasters engaged each other only 65 times.
What happens when someone ignores bids?
When our partner denies our bids, we internalize the experience. Our brains keep a subconscious count of our partners' accepted and rejected bids. When our partner keeps rejecting our bids, we start to feel frustrated. We often criticize our partners. This can make them defensive and might lead to arguments.
Gottman found that couples usually don't break up due to big fights or infidelity. It's often due to resentment and distance. They build up over time when partners keep turning away from bids for connection.
The lesson here is to make many small bids every day. Pay attention and turn towards your partner’s bids. Listen for their sighs and look out for their winks. Make eye contact when they ask you a question. Engage with them when they point something out. Carve out intentional time every day. Many times a day. Most of the time.
The power of bids
The more time we take to pay attention to the bids our partner makes, the more connected we will feel. Making bids, and receiving them, is vulnerable stuff. Really, it's emotional work. It also takes intentionality and putting down electronic devices to be truly present. It takes asking repeated questions and finding nuance and novelty in the mundane. Bids are also necessary to maintain a healthy, growing relationship with intimacy. The good news is bids can be learned, practiced and repeated. They will also help build secure, lasting long-term relationships.
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